Agent | Em

> pointless blather <

2008-11-08T14:20:00.000-08:00

have you ever been in a conversation with someone and their eyes glaze over and they look a million miles away?
ALERT: you may be talking about nothing important and wasting that person's precious time. (there is a slight chance they could be stoned as well, in which case change the subject to video games or fast food)

if you're the victim of useless chatter, your indicators will include unfocused eyes wandering and a feeling of your brain being claustrophobic in your own skull.
you must then go into survival mode and find a 'happy place' of numbness.
this can happen to even the most aggressive and impatient people.

not all useless conversation is negative and painfull. i have consistent immature banter that results in much hilarity, but no constructive use whatsoever. this is not the point of this blahg.

i find that the pointless blather that really makes me feel like screaming and biting someone in the face usually follows these two scenarios:

1) associate/acquaintance obligatory acknowledgment:
you are physically near someone you have indifferent feelings for / barely know and there is an awkward twitch of acknowledgment that induces a polite exchange. this includes, but is not limited to; "How was your weekend?", "Hey, long time no see", "Nice purse, is that new for spring?", "Hey man, did you catch the Leafs game last night?".
Bottom Line: you do not care if this person disappears from existence at this very moment so you can get back to a more productive conversation you were having with yourself in your mind. you would actually endorse spontaneous combustion.

2) family/couples/domestic diatribe:
you are in a home / personal life situation where you are familiar with the people around you, and you have been trained how to respond to regurgitated stories and explanations of household items and concerns. popular topics to ramble on about with a forced engagement in the form of a head nod and a 'oh yah?' from you, the victim; comparisons and justifications of children's mental behaviour, couples' barf-worthy nesting stories, household upgrades at a discount price!!!!, double dates that will never happen, people finishing each others' stories about 'exciting' moments in the grocery store or on garbage day.

Bottom Line: this is all shared information that will never improve you as a human being. people feel the need to tell you this stuff in order for them to feel normal. even though they haven't had sex in 2 years.
PS - no one will ever win the cheap award, but they will always be competitive about it

home nudity

2008-10-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

...options for home nudity:
you come home from work and immediately you strip off confining socially acceptable garments and ....

a) look for comfy sweats to blob around in
b) get half undressed, get distracted and bum around in partial day clothes

but option c) looks better:
strip down to nude and then can't find a good reason to put anything else on

when option C becomes a daily ritual, you have to start thinking about the logistics of home nudity:
- do you have a leather couch or chairs?
- what is the temperature of your home?
- are there any obvious windows that render you ' the naked neighbour '

after you've taken care of these variables, you are free to graze in the kitchen, scratch in the living room, pee in the bathroom ... all without adjusting garments and picking wedges.
in fact, without fabric confinement, there is a freedom to be more productive. i find that when i'm nude, i can concentrate better on the tasks at hand. i believe this to be the bi-product of nakedness.

sometimes, being naked can cause anxious thrills that promote productivity.
" hey - you're nude! better get your chores done soon, before someone sees you."

icanhascheezburger.com

2008-07-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

Whyy can I not stop looking at this website. Every day there is some stupid animal picture that makes me roar laughing. Cats are mostly useless, so it's good to see they're being 'utilized' like this gargoyle lego tabby.

I used to put a sock on my cats head - Gomer - and he would back up in circles without trying to get it off...and then I'd attach hairclips to his feet and tail. He looked like he was electrocuted. LOL.
It never hurt him, so it IS funny.

DiscO Trax

2008-06-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

Disco Mash Up - fab funkadellic mixed tape!

For Granted

2008-06-11T20:32:00.001-07:00

It's a shame that for most of us...we don't know what we have until it's gone.
Until something becomes visibly endangered, we take it for granted.
We do this with family, friends, the environment....all variables in life.
Comfort stops progression. In most cases.
I've noticed that people pay the most attention after you've pulled away.
When someone feels neglected, they make more effort to bring back the balance.
I'm wondering why we can't just take life as a daily gift and reward ourselves and others by being enthusiastic and appreciative.
I think this is relevant to the way people interact...the dynamic of how you embrace life can unite or separate.
And it can change from one to the other.
People are naturally enthusiastic and sensitive towards new relationships and environments. After a time, no matter how great the person or place is....there's a mundane quality that is associated.
Watching the decline of enthusiasm is unfortunate. Especially when you're the one going down.

Electronic Tattoo

2008-05-19T11:27:00.002-07:00

Motion Controlled Art

2008-05-04T22:16:00.000-07:00

Work Hard | Play Hard

2008-04-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

There is something bittersweet about having a last blast with co-workers. As my department has been dismantled person by person, project by project, I've come to realize that the reason I am sad and nostalgic is because of my investment. I've invested my time in the daily interactions with these people for the last 19 months. I've seen my co-workers more than family, friends and boyfriends.
They are the people I confide in, get advice from, gripe to, and feel tightly bound to. We eat, drink, think, travel, socialize, and troubleshoot together. Everyday.
These people have made it all worth it; the extreme chaos that we have fumbled through together, and the magnificent product that we have created in the process - all created from our tenacious talents, blood, sweat, tears, sleepless nights, hungry tummies and burned out retinas.
I believe that the pride and comradery that we feel as we say our farewells stems directly from the feeling of working as a team and accomplishing so much together.
So let us raise our Jager Shots in salute of the craziest, perverted, good-humoured, dynamic and talented bunch of misfits, whom accomplished the production/post of 6 seasons of fists and fury within a single year!

No man is an island,
Entire of itself
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main

heterogeneous agenda

2008-03-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

I've had difficulties (pronounced - diff -fickle -tees) with my blog compositions, as of late.
I cannot choose which topics require my attention in priority. And I don't feel like griping about worldly injustices....today.
Therefore, I will conclude that simple acknowledgement of recent pleasures will suffice.

| Play Classical UK & Big R Radio |
One of these two iTunes Radio stations are continuously broadcast through my laptop at home and at work. I have re-connected with my love for classical, orchestral and operatic compositions. (it actually makes me feel less stressed and I feel that I can think more along the lines of a constructive linear path)
The alternative station is great for energy - it bombards me with one nostalgic surprise after another. I can't believe 90's rock was so damn good!

| candles |
Never in my life have I had an affinity for candles. I always viewed them as just....flammable wax stumps used in medieval times. Then, I moved to Vancouver where the city is under a thick and dark canvas of cloud in the winter. I find that having a few candles in my place somehow perks up my senses, as if I have a small glass of sunshine. (and I've been signing mail with my embossed wax signature)

| Dexter |
I have not been addicted to a tv series this bad, since my first exposure to nip / tuck and Battlestar Gallactica. The seamless transition of a vulnerable character into a methodical killer leaves the viewer wondering how they can possibly be infatuated by this man. I have burned copies of this series and given the DVDs to friends and co-workers. I'm like a Dexter Jehova's Witness.

| bengal spice tea |
this celestial seasonings variety is the antithesis of what I usually discover about tea - boring herbal caffeine free watery nothingness. It's not as skunky as Chai, and adding some honey makes it dandy. (ok...adding RUM makes it extra dandy)

| zeitgeist |
" they must find it difficult...those who have taken authority as the truth, rather than truth as the authority."
Catgorized as a 'feature documentary' that is freely accessible online, Zeitgeist, meaning 'the spirit of the age', follows the human belief system with regard to the culture of religion and politics. Consider the 'progression' of American socio-economic rituals as a manipulated system orchestrated by a powerful group of banking cartels. Sounds more like an epic fictional narrative when I think about it...a typical conspiracy theory with a slanted bias. The segment about the direct correlation between Jesus and astrological guidelines really kept me riveted. I knew somethin was up with that guy!

| Firefox |
I don't want to admit that I keenly use Firefox for all of my browser needs, it's just that Safari is slow as molasses and trips and sputters over simple tasks. Damn you Safari, smarten up!

| www.planetunicorn.tv |
For some reason, this ridiculous series of cartoons has an addictive theme song, and is the talk of the town right now. And...I'm beginning to believe that my ambrosia salad doesn't have enough cherries.
PS - don't text subscribe to the ringtone...it doesn't work. sigh.

| Canon PowerShot SD870 IS |
My little point and shoot cam has become an extra appendage for me. It's small enough that I tote it around everywhere I go and capture everything from amazing scenery to deranged public displays of debauchery. The battery lasts For Ever, the wide angle lens is wicked, and the 3 inch LCD is a match for even my severe myopia.

| internet social groups |
When I first moved to the new city, I heard rumours about people attending social gatherings that were set up on craigslist or facebook. I tried to initially make friends with some girls in a retail setting. I felt like a crazy lonely lesbian. (not that there's anything wrong with that). A lot of people my age who are new to the area are finding each other via cyber networking. I joined a women's group on facebook last year, and have had many great adventures and have made some true friends. It's hard enough to find social situations that don't include people who are mainly co-workers. Trying to make friends is harder than when you were a kid. Lending someone a Barbie or a used ice cream cone just doesn't suffice these days.

pull the fast one....

2008-02-28T16:22:00.000-08:00

Psst...

If you have an employee who is severely under-paid, there is a feasible solution that will cost you nothing.

It's called the 'title promotion'.

It's a simple yet effective trick to alleviate the guilt associated with not paying someone what they're worth. This can also work if said employee ambushes you in your office and tries to initiate raise negotiations.

Step 1) Have a chummy heart-to-heart discussion with your under-paid employee about personal goals and randomness.

Step 2) Gradually sneak in the 'spontaneous idea' of them being a 'team leader' or 'project manager'. Create a title before hand that sounds nifty and important.

Step 3) Do not tell anyone else about this declaration or conversation. Ever.

The results are simple: the employee leaves the conversation with a false sense of security and renewed enthusiasm for their 'new role'.

Why you've just pulled the fast one: Even though there is the intentional hint of promotion, no one else will act differently, or with more respect towards that employee, (including yourself) due to the fact that their paycheck has not changed. You've effectively created a more productive employee, while avoiding paying for their loyalty and talent.

Analogy - 'verbal tip' at a restaurant: You can avoid tipping , while at the same time relieving yourself of guilt (if you have any), by telling your server that they are amazing and wonderful right before you leave your table. They will be so flattered, they will forget to even look for extra change!

Pole Play

2008-02-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

Yeah....every girl has a fantasy 'stripper' song that they imagine themselves swingin around nekkid to.
Mine is:
Spin Spin Sugar by Sneaker Pimps. OR > Always On The Run by Lenny Kravitz.
To be totally objectified on your own terms.....it's a turn on.

I started Pole dancing classes, and let loose my desires to flail my body wildly - in a sexy manner.
I'm not sure how sexy I'm looking yet. It's more like a series of bum wiggles, and a dry heave mixed with a random squat.
Our instructor is a former 'exotic', who seems to have seen all that the industry has to offer. She's a little weathered, yet still looking to maintain the happy robot facial gestures. I thought someone said she talks like a deaf person in the change room today....but that might have been my mean streak making noises again...

I was a dancer...when i was 8. I don't know if that gives me an advantage.

Candy Conundrum

2008-02-17T22:18:00.000-08:00

Oral hygiene is of utmost importance to me. I actually enjoy going to the dentist, and always have my Polaroid taken and posted on the No Cavities Wall Of Fame.
Yet, ....
There is no way that I can go a prolonged period of time ( a few days), without candy.
I love candy.
I love the packaging, the shapes, the unintelligible list of ingredients, and of course, the sugar high.

My top cravings include:

*nibs
*bottle caps
*swedish berries
*pez
*hershey hugs
*mike & ike's
*tropical skittles
*sour gummy jolly ranchers
*jelly tots
*punkys
*nerds
*jelly bellies
*werther's caramels and chocolates
*candy neclaces
*kinder eggs
*sour patch kids
*cherry blasters
*gold mine gum
*flintstone vitamins - candy in disguise
*orange tic tacs - same

Now, if only they made a candy toothpaste....

Notice This

2008-02-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

Some friends of mine lost their jobs today. After months of hard and dedicated efforts, they were laid off by someone who had no idea what their jobs were, and told to leave immediately with no notice. They were then followed and escorted out of the building. The company they worked for has a policy, that any person who is randomly and irrationally deemed 'no longer useful', is obliterated on the spot.
Does one lose their integrity if they participate in this process, and/or continue to be passionate about working for said company?

Hearts & Thoughts

2008-02-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

Logical thought would determine that a designated holiday does not equal an
obligation to buy flowers. In my mind, I am thinking that I don't care if
Valentine's Day goes by without any gifts. It seems the holiday exists to
torture the relationship-challenged individuals, and blatantly test the
strength of existing unions. Fucking up on Valentine's Day can result in sex
drought, and a small resentment that can fester and grow (perhaps being
tag-teamed with other neglected milestones).

Q: Is it the thought or the gift that counts?
A: Both. The thought is supposed to manifest itself in a red and/or pink
and/or shiny object. The object can also be enhanced with a fancy meal of
some sort.

V Day gets a lot of smack talk surrounding it, because it exists for women
to benefit only. Women can only benefit if they have a mate that can provide
this benefit.
Therefore, there are a slew of haphazard excuses about the day's
irrelevance, from both men and women.
I especially like the 'corporate holiday hallmark bullshit' excuse. Yes,
there is a diabolical plot obligating us to all spend money on cards and
gifts for all holidays. Get over it. Sometimes it's fun.
Sometimes we all need a nudge in the right romantic direction. Even if this
nudge is representing emotion in the shape of an arbitrary icon.

PS - For men who feel oppressed by Valentine's Day:

http://www.steakandbjday.com/

Humans

2008-02-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

are fascinating.

The following list consists of the human conditions that most fascinate me:

1) Love | how can something that is intangible create joy, perpetuate psychosis, mutate into hatred, and define self worth? Love, or lack thereof, is the catalyst for peace and war, passion and repression, sanity and insanity, nurture and neglect, progression and inertia.

2) Intellect | the capability of brilliant minds to not only develop a theory and execute an idea, but to communicate it in such a way, that it inspires others to apply themselves to that paradigm. It is this perpetuating concept that creates immortality - the only greatness for mankind.

3) Attraction | the laws of attraction are ruled by science and biology. Specifically with human romantic relationships. Everything in adult life is done for procreation purposes - from social networking, to physical grooming traditions, to fashion choices. The stimulus has evolved from traditional means of establishing rank, but the basic reasons remain. We are animals, after all. The laws only abide having one lion in a pride.

4) Gender | the concept of gender is directly linked to physical mechanics of the sexes. Women are smaller, and give birth. Therefore, they are labelled as nurturers and usually submissive. Men are larger and more aggressive. Men are providers, and have social power and status. Observing a shift in the fundamental correlation between sex and gender has taught us that the two are actually mutually exclusive of each other.

The Agency

2008-02-12T20:17:00.000-08:00

Here is my view from the Agency. I am supposed to spy on all of mankind from this little window?

Word Press or Blogger?

2008-02-11T23:39:00.000-08:00

I have not yet decided whether I will be staying with Blogger or Word Press. I've heard some noise about the widgets elsewhere.
What if I'm making the wrong choice here?
How will this affect my life path?
What if we're all in a dream right now, and waiting for someone to wake up?
If a tree falls in the forest...on a gopher, and it squeaks..................